i’ve always been a bit too trusting. for instance, as an innocent little second grader, i trusted that by closing the door to the bathroom this meant i was assured privacy as i went about my business. poor, naive kelley. one particularly traumatic day, it took not 10 seconds after i dropped my pants for a boy, whose name i still mutter in anger to this day, to walk in on me. so there i am, mid-pee, stirrup-pants around my ankles, with the door wide-open as he-whose-name-i’m-bizarrely-protecting openly stared with a bug-eyed look something akin to rodney dangerfield’s. of course, compounding my humiliation was the fact that this was an in-classroom bathroom and my entire class was sitting right outside preparing for storytime. not once have i peed comfortably in public since that fateful day.
when i was 12, i trusted that my friend’s parents weren’t lying when they told me that cigars didn’t contain tobacco and were completely safe to smoke. (they were in the process of “quitting” and didn’t appreciate my friend and i pointing out that they didn’t seem to be doing a particularly stellar job at it.) fast forward 12 years when i am at a bachelor party (yeh, you read that right) and taking my faux-manliness pretty damn seriously, if i say so myself, and decide to get in on the cigar action. because why the hell not? i’m in mantown. and it’s not like there is any tobacco in there that can give me lung cancer and kill me, right? (don’t worry tho, like bill, i never inhaled.) a couple weeks later, i was out to dinner with a friend describing my mancapades and trying to sound much cooler than i actually am. it was at the point in the story when i was saying something along the lines of “yeh, i was pretty hot shit smoking that cigar in a savannah back alley, but there’s no tobacco in those things, so no bigs,” that he started laughing in my face. being a seasoned smoker himself, he felt compelled to correct my misconception. annnd i’ve never felt like such a friggin’ tool. what’s that on the ceiling? gullible? oh yeh, hilarious.
so now, here i am in 2010, and you would think i would have learned from my past mistakes. you would think that i would be older and wiser. you would think that i would have hardened into an untrusting lump of you-know-what. but no, once again i fell prey to my ingrained need to trust. as i read through one of the recipes i inherited from a baking course i took in the spring, i trusted that by being an official, paid-for program, the recipes would be correct. alas, no such luck. please witness, exhibit a:
1.5 cups of liquid to 2 cups flour seemed a bit like overkill, but who am i to question my superiors? surely they are infinitely older and wiser… and capable of correcting typos. but several choice curses later, some rather soggy hands, and a couple dumps of flour, i made a complete failure of trying to correct this mistake. i ended up scraping the first batch (after making a friend suffer through a taste test), and made another go with different liquid measurements. below is what you should actually do…you can trust me…maybe.
goat cheese scallion biscuits:
what you’ll need:
2 cups flour
2 tbsp baking powder
6 oz. goat cheese
4 tbsp cold butter
1/2 cup (maybe a bit more) light cream
1/2 bunch scallions, cleaned and chopped
1/4 tsp black pepper
1. combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. cut in the butter until the mixture is coarse and crumbly. cut in the goat cheese and scallions. if you are having trouble with a pastry cutter (please cut eyes to the right), try using two knives.
2.add cream and knead lightly, just enough to mix everything together. don’t overwork the dough or else your biscuits will get tough…which is great for overly trusting personalities (ahem), but not biscuits. this also happens to be the step that destroyed my first go at this recipe. i attempted to compensate for the overabundance of liquid by adding more flour and a bit of baking powder all willy-nilly-like. the result was an absurdly floury biscuit. not delectable. round 2, i added 1/2 cup of cream to see how it looked, realized i needed a smidge more, grabbed the extra cream from the fridge, and then discovered it was frozen solid. so…that was awesome. instead i added a pinch of milk.
3. turn out the dough onto a floured work surface (i tend to go for the kitchen counter, which for some reason always makes me laugh. probably because i am imagining my mother’s look of horror). press dough out into an even layer 3/4-inch high.
4. using a floured biscuit cutter 2-inches in diameter, cut out biscuits and place on a buttered baking sheet. (i actually just now realized it was supposed to be a floured biscuit cutter…thaaat would have helped. i’m not sure if you notice above, but my first round was an utter disaster.)
5. bake biscuits at 400 degrees f for about 12 minutes, or until golden brown.
…and here’s hoping you had better luck then me.
biscuit ruiner of the year